POST 2

Christal Wagner Photography

IT’S COMPLICATED – PT. 2

STRESSFUL SNORKELING

After a few financially strained years and a few more spent relocating, rearranging responsibilities, and prioritizing, I was able to take another trip, albeit a trip seriously out of my price range. Sandals resorts are incredibly luxurious, don’t get me wrong, but at this point in life I now know that I like to see and experience more than resort walls allow. I consider it a serious hobby to craft a trip that doesn’t break the bank, and allows much more room for adventure. At that time I was still a newbie to trip planning and there seemed to be few options. Sandals seemed well-known, safe and easy to arrange.

Upon arriving at Sandals Royal Bahamian, we were informed of a complimentary snorkeling excursion of a nearby reef. We signed up and began our couple’s getaway. As we worked through the week and closer to the booked excursion, I had difficulty even stepping into the water from the beach. I would watch others enjoy coming and going from the shore but it felt an impossible feat to go in even waist high. I felt unbearably nervous and uncomfortable. The water was crystal clear but I felt overwhelmed and began to wonder how I would be able to jump in from a boat in a couple of days. 

We boarded a catamaran for a 1/2 hour ride to the reef’s location, and snorkel gear was distributed. As the shore became further and further away, the sky seemed to darken and I felt myself fill with dread. The boat slowed as we approached the area. One by one, snorkelers stepped off of the bobbing boat. I couldn’t get off. I stood at the edge and fell into some sort of weird paralyzing trance state. With the absence of the sun, the water appeared black and combined with the powerful movement of the water, made me uneasy on many levels. Battling an urge to complete this task, my determination was muted by a thick layer of anxiety. At some point, my flippers found their way to the edge and in what felt like slow motion, I stumbled into the sea below. My brain had overpowered my physical body in a way that I didn’t think possible.

Stunned by what just occurred, my hearing began to return. Choking on salty water and struggling to get my bearings, the boat seemed to cast a massive shadow and its menacing rock seemed to lurk too close to the heads of so many snorkelers. I had a sudden flashback to a time in a neighbor’s in ground pool. The raft was almost the same width as the pool and while some were playing on the raft, myself and others continued to swim. I dove in and came up for air but didn’t have goggles on and could only feel with my hand that I was trapped under the drifting raft. I panicked as my hands searched for the edge. I finally worked my way around the raft and grabbed hold of the side wall, gasping for air. No one noticed that I was stuck under that damn raft and for a moment, thought I might not find my way out of the water. I came up out of breath but to the joyful sounds of Marco Polo. I suddenly became worried for all the unsuspecting snorkelers headed for their doom.

As I watched the snorkels popping up out of the water and life vests popping up as patches of orange about all I could feel was terror consuming me. People spread out over and no land in sight, I thought of my Red Lobster nightmare, being trapped under that raft as a kid, every foreign being I’d ever encountered in the ocean and every Jaws remake I’d ever seen. My goggles filled with tears and my legs kicked frantically in response to my fear. Suddenly I see familiar eyes behind a pair of dorky goggles trying to steady me by grabbing my shoulders. “What’s going on?”, my ex shouted, “Just look under the water!”.  I shook and blurted , “I can’t!”. When he repeated himself, I felt a moment of clarity. I stopped my fussing for a moment and tilted my chin down to put my face in the water. What I saw beneath me was a beautiful world that I felt so privileged to be able to be within. Vibrant fish in small schools moved just past me and colorful coral reef formations decorated the ocean floor below. I was instantly lost in the magic of the underwater world bustling below me. I came up only to confirm that I was in fact “ok”. I cried a garbled cry in amazement through my snorkel tube, “it’s so beautiful!”. Although not funny to me in any way at the time, when I remember this exclamation, tears welling up in my goggles as I announced my realization, I know it sounded hilarious.

That was an exhausting experience. While in the end I was completely in awe of what I was able to witness in the water, the anxiety that I had to fight through to get there left a lasting impression. For about ten years, I had a difficult time setting foot in the ocean. I would come up with a million excuses of why I couldn’t go in further than waist high. The water was too cold, there was no one to watch belongings on the beach, I forgot to shave, etc. After awhile I began to wonder how this happened and felt sick about not being able to enjoy something I found so majestic. 

TIS TIME

Suddenly, on a trip to Cozumel in 2019 on a whim I felt a sudden urge to head into the water. I don’t know if it was the afternoon margarita, or the fact that after riding ATVs through the jungle on a separate excursion earlier in the day, I was feeling especially adventurous. At the Cozumel cruise port, there was an area marked Swim At Your Own Risk. I stripped down to my suit, rented a snorkel, and got in that water. At thirty-four years old, on that awesome January day in Mexico, I was no longer afraid. I was ready. I got in that water and swam as far as the perimeter would allow. Feeling so proud, and free of fear, I swam until I was somehow simultaneously exhausted but completely rejuvenated. 

As I continue to make my way through 2020, I have a goal to not only travel more and to take more adventures with my partner, but to keep setting foot in that water. Since 2019 began I have been lucky to be able to snorkel beyond the Cozumel cruise port. I shared my next underwater adventures with my mom as we both overcame our individual fears and perceived physical set backs to explore both the Belize Barrier Reef and the Mahahual Reef. 

Between the two locations we were able to see an array of species living in these active reef formations. Yellow stingrays, parrotfish, sea urchins and more. We battled against the rough waters of the afternoon tide to catch glimpse of the serene world below. The turquoise water of the Caribbean allowed for extreme visibility of the marine life swirling in and out of the coral reef formations. A glance down to our left, and purple angelfish fish cruised in between the coral fans in the bright turquoise water. A glance down to our right, and our eyes could follow the ocean floor as 12 ft quickly turned to 50ft and the floor was lost altogether. Our eyes could only reach the drop off and beyond a dark blue hue stretched further than sight could allow. With respect of the ocean’s power, we left entranced by its mystic, and in awe of its beauty. 

THE DOOR IS OPEN

As a recently certified PADI Open Water Scuba diver I feel as if I have been given access to door to another world. Becoming familiar with the equipment and having sight underwater has helped me to grow an admiration of the underwater world whilst stifling skewed fears. My childhood interest had never left but somehow it had mutated along the way and needed to become healthily managed by educating myself and practicing the act of simply getting in the water. When I travel now, it is difficult to get me out of the water. Each dip in the ocean serves as inspiration to my future as an artist and is a humbling moment as a human being. Visiting the Bahamas again ten years after my first experience the first thing I did was to rent scuba gear and go on an expert led dive. I descended to a depth of 35ft and hovered two feet above the serene ocean floor below. Hearing only the sound of my own breathing through the regulator as bubbles grazed my face, I took in the world below almost missing a camouflaged sting ray four feet wide settled in the sand below and passing by a lion fish nestled in the reef. After the dive, I snorkeled on and off for hours observing any passing parrotfish and unwilling to let the magic of the day fade.

Living on Earth where 71% of the planet is water, 96.5% salt water and 3.5% frozen and fresh water, it seems like a complete shame to not explore this vast percentage. So much life on this planet that lies below the surface of the water, with greater depths and species still undiscovered. While I may not break any records, or classify any new species, I feel humbled to be able to witness creatures large and small in their habitats as a peaceful observer.  “Take only photos, leave only bubbles.” As an artist, Ive explored both my fears and fascination, as a reoccurring theme in my work. In my research as an undergrad, I choreographed an eight minute solo based on the movement of cephalopods and marine invertebrates. Dancing the choreography with a liquid, pulsating fluidity, the dance composition started as a movement study and was later performed immersed within projected footage I edited and altered taken while visiting the Shedd Aquarium. 

As I approach my PADI Advanced Open Water certification I have begun to perform inland lake dives at a maximum depth of 70ft and learned how to better balance my buoyancy to allow for later exploration of more unique environments and wreck diving. In scuba training you learn safety procedures, equipment management, and how to prepare for a dive. Once prepared to dive, getting local information about the dive site can be key to a successful dive. Being informed, helps you to experience the most enjoyable and safest dive possible.

On a recent trip to Nassau, surrounded by a school of friendly fish as they swirled and swarmed around me, I felt completely at peace. Through scuba diving, I’ve successfully been able to steer fear into fascination and so much more. My complicated past relationship with the water is a reminder not to fear that which I do not understand. Daydreaming, sitting in a cafe in the midwest on a cold January day, my mind drifts and I long for the great underwater adventures that lie ahead.